. . .
So how do you start a blog intro thingy?Do you start by saying "hey guys?"
or whats up peeps?
or yo dogs?
I dont know. . .
So maybe Ill just start out by saying>>>>>
Hey guys, ((Wow, that was soo hard =X ))
So this is my first blog. I doubt that it will be as long as maeves, or scotties ((wow scottie, you have TONS of blogs :0)), or as randomly in debt as jess', but ill try.
The nice thing that I see about these is kind of like an internet diary, where you can tell people the thoughts going through your head without doing it during school and scaring the heck out of them .No, writing them is better, because you can go back and modify the things that you said to make it sound better, or make more sense.
So what is on my mind lately? Well, alot of things. Common girl things. . .oh please, guys is the last thing, for peet sake I go to an all girls schoola nd live so far away from it that i dont know anyboys down there who are worth my time....... . . . ?? Well, one thing thats been on my mind for the past year and a half has been the value of my friends. Maeve had this killer party yesterday, and I wasnt sure if I was gonna come becuse the girls I hang with sometimes, but I dont know them that well. Sometimes, yea this sounds pitiful, I wondered if they really even cared and I was kind of scared to be myself and that they wouldnt accept me. I clung to them, saw these awesome things in them, but they all became close as shophomore year went on, and I felt left out so I went turned away and tried to find different freidns elsewhere. But as I continued to go to other firneds that i had made in the past, there was always some fault in the girlst aht they hung out with. Either they wre too snotty, to preppy, the girls were so intimidating that I just gave up talking to them. But I then I would go back to my old firneds, and even on the worst of days when I would sit down at that little lunch table where we try to fit 16 people at a table set for 8, I had to admit that I would become cheerful and would end up laughing my head off and feeling better even if I had the feeling that they might not accept me. Well, why wouldnt they accept me? Well, here might be somethings I felt. THey all liked the same music. . . and no matter how I tried I could never keep up with their trends of music. I admit I did liek it, but I felt taht if i didnt like what they did I would be excluded. Also, they all wore the same style, and shopped at the same place. WEll, my rents dont exactly have the tiem and money to be running me all over the place to try and buy those clothes too, so i didnt feel like they would accept me becuase of my clothing. But as I sat at maeves party on Saturday night, did I begin to realize that none of that matters. ((Call me retarded. . . maybe. . .but unless you understand the shitty past that I have been through, yo dont know who I am)) Im not saying that I have a shitty past to fit in, or to sound cool or emo, Im just stating the truth. Its kind of hard to watch your best friend die of lukemia slowly by telephone and emial, her paretns blaming you for 2 years for making her sick and permitting you to se her ever no matter how hard you try. . . and then deal with the fact that they might never forgive you ever even after she dies. There, that doesn t seem liek much, and some of those cercumsatnces have changed in past two years since her death, but still all that pain I went through with that was phonominal. For Gods sake I know that it doesnt sound like much, but if you dont know every last detail of the situation, you have no idea how much it scared me for life, and how much it changed me. So I cam e to de sales, and began to change. This place means alot more to mee. Its not just a place where you do homework, stress out over homework, and cuss at your teachers behind their back for giving you yet anothe project after they know you alerady have 5 due later that week. No, its a home,my home, which contains my spiritual mother, my sistiers, the people who change my life everyday and dont even know it. When I cam e here, thsoe insecurites that i fought with in the past began to dissappear. What do i have to look like. . .will i fit in. . .the faer of opening up to people. . .the need to not be sooo hard on myself. . .and I came looking for someone to replace katie and fill those gaps with love. So as I stlll fight with most of these problmes, I realized on taht night at maeves party that being friends with jess, maeve, jene, scottie, jenni, clare, luren, sarah, katie, cara and whoever else is in our little groupy thingy, doesnt have to be about clothing, or music interest, but rather how you value the person inside. ALl my life, tat is what i was taought friendship was: that being based on material possessions. YOu all where the same thing, you all listen to the same music, do the same druggs, and whatever else. Btu just becaseu I may look different, or have different music interest, I realized that night at maeves party as I sat and listened to my girls playing taboo taht none of that should matter. I dont know why it took me so long to realize that. BEcuase even though I kept running away from the girsl that I know are to be my frineds, that in the end God had given them to me to be my freinds. It just took me soo long to realize that there is more behind those material things, beautufl qualities that I didnt know about until I refocused my eyes to not look on the outside of things, but on the inside. They are all I have ever wanted, and maybe, liek I hope, they will accept me as there friend. I know that they will, because they know that yo dont have to where the same clothing to be friends with tem, or be interested n the same music, but rather waht is insdie that matters.
<3>
posted by O.o.:~*=laurian=*~:. o.O @ 12:44 PM
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